Everyday

Very few people have seen or heard me cry since about a month after my father's death....but I break down and cry almost every single day at a moment when I know I am alone

Day after Father's Day

I never thought that I would blog. I never really found a need for it. I am not one to write in journals, I am not one to write poetry or any other sort of written form of self-expression. But after a couple very short spouts of therapy, I knew it wasn't going to work for me. Which is strange, because in the past, it had. But this was something bigger, although related, but still something much much harder to say out loud to someone that was staring me in the face, as I am bawling my eyes out and they are calmly writing notes. Where do you start when you go to therapy for this? I couldn't figure out a way to ease into it so I would simply say: My father jumped off a cliff this past christmas eve. Wait for the reaction....always taken aback. What do you do with this? This is what I am hoping I will be able to figure out with this blog. How do you live after someone so close to you commits suicide? Yesterday was Father's Day...all I've learned about Father's Day is that it sucks when you don't have a father to celebrate it with. I don't talk about how I am feeling with anyone anymore...it has been almost six months....and it just doesnt seem like a topic that I can bring up...although it is all I EVER think about. People who meet me for the first time since then have absolutely no idea the hell that I have just recently and am currently experiencing...I am very good at faking happiness....No more faking...not here.